Shit My Husband Buys

When it comes to our shopping habits, my husband Nick and I couldn’t be more different. I am extremely frugal and have been known to take an entire year to buy a new pair of jeans (also known as the year where I wore shorts almost exclusively—they’re so much cheaper!). My husband, on the other hand, is king of the impulse buy. A few examples: Spartan helmet. Samurai sword. Motorcycle purchased exactly one week before our wedding. Ginormous watch modeled after the clock in an Austrian tank that Arnold Schwarzenegger drove while serving in the army. You can’t make this stuff up, people.

I’ve been threatening Nick with cataloguing his purchases on this blog, with the hope that public shaming might slow the steady stream of packages that arrive at our doorstep (Amazon Prime, you are not helping). So I am excited embarrassed to announce a new series, aptly titled, “Shit My Husband Buys.” Nick’s reaction? “Oh, like a monthly round-up? Wait until you see what I just ordered.” Clearly, this might not work as planned.

To kick things off, here are some of my husband’s somewhat recent purchases that, as half of a married couple, I technically own, too. Dammit.




The wallet that frightens every Starbucks barista and anyone too young to have seen Pulp Fiction.



Schwarzenegger tank watch. “Super limited” shit right here.





Bullet bottle opener, made from a REAL bullet. A REAL must-have, obviously.




Beanie worn by a “badass space cowboy” in some one-season, geek TV show called Firefly. Never heard of it? Me neither.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Nick actually has amazing taste when it comes to buying things for me, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a 36 x 48 painting of Batman under our bed. So tell me, does your significant other ever buy really stupid shit? If so, please make me feel better by sharing some of his or her dumbest retail decisions.

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21 comments:

  1. Hahaha. Nick is amazing!
    Also, Firefly is awesome and you should totally watch it.

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    1. Well, if YOU say that I should watch Firefly, then I guess I will give it a try! xo

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  2. I love this, too funny! I showed my husband this and he thinks this is a great idea :/

    xx Cara

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    1. Uh oh...this post certainly wasn't meant to inspire other husbands ;)

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  3. This is like, the best blog post ever of all time.

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    1. Thanks, Stacey, but I'm pretty sure that your post announcing the addition of gluten-free cupcakes at your bakery is the best ever!

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  4. Pretty sure we have a massive collection of Hulk figurines/trinkets that have found a nice home in the garage

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    1. Oh Rachel, I knew I could count on you to make me feel better!

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  5. Ha. Love it. My husband buys random shit all the time. Though not always as random as that wallet!!

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    1. Ethan buys random shit ALL THE TIME? Crap. My one hope was that Nick would change his ways after we have a kid, since we'd be spending all of our money on (totally awesome!) baby stuff. That doesn't actually happen, does it?

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  6. hahahaha i LOVED this, public shaming. I was literally laughing the whole way through. Seriously what is with boys and their purchases. My boyfriend has like three shirts and refuses to shop, but he'll boy a samurai sword and god knows what other weapon. I laughed at the wallet because you mentioned the startled baristas (haha) and I only know Firefly because my brother mentioned it like a million times. Baffling. Just baffling.

    xo Marlen
    Messages on a Napkin

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    1. Well, I'm glad to hear that my husband isn't the only one with a Samurai sword! Like your boyfriend, my husband will buy any and every weapon. Unlike your boyfriend, he actually likes to shop for clothes, but he doesn't always make good choices! xo

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  7. This is hilarious! And wow, those are some collector items for sure ;)
    Nick looks like tatum channing here. love you guys

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    1. Total collector's items! They're going to be worth tons of money someday, right?

      Funny that you mention Channing Tatum! Nick was boarding a flight last week and the girl who sat down next to him freaked out because she thought he was Channing Tatum. Needless to say, it was a very long, disappointing flight for her after that.

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  8. Haha, I just loved this post! I send it immediately to my man and he was like 'You see what other man buy, and you never allowed me to get a samurai sward'. Now I think I know what the next purchase will be =)

    xo
    Sylvia @ http://worldtasting.com

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    1. Sounds like someone is getting a samurai sword! I'm sorry about that, Sylvia. My husband sets a very bad example. xo

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  9. Ha! It runs in the family. SMH.

    Tony

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    1. Someone must take after his uncle :) Thanks for stopping by, Tony!

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  10. I am fully in support of everything Jayne-hat related. (Seriously Julia, watch Firefly. It's cowboys in space! What's not to love?) Although, is he wearing a FUEL band AND a watch here? Overkill.

    Xx
    Cousin Michelle

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    1. Oh yes, that's a FuelBand. Total overkill. Wait, the "badass space cowboy" is named Jayne? Nick definitely didn't mention that!

      xo

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  11. Your dad buys a lot of **it too! Must be a family thing thing.....

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