A Man’s POV: Can A Cool Dad Be An Amazon Mom?

Despite the best efforts of non-existent scientific experiments and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s least best movie, basic anatomy still dictates that women have the babies. Fortunately, that’s where traditional gender roles can begin and end. Today, men and women are encouraged and expected to Lean In and share the joys and challenges of all child-rearing tasks. Men can even breastfeed with the aid of a truly nightmarish device that was conceived in the mind of the wardrobe guy for Leatherface in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And to all of the less than progressive women who believe that men can’t really share in the more uncomfortable parts of the childbirth miracle, it sure looks like they make up for it later. Go to YouTube and search “dads getting hit in the balls.” There is a seriously concerning number of results, especially considering that I’ve already volunteered for tee-ball coach and Ninja Turtle fight choreographer.

Go to YouTube and search “dads getting hit in the balls”

As an upcoming parent, I’ve found that it’s important to embrace non-traditional roles early and often. Then I tried to buy diapers on Amazon and Jeff Bezos spanked me with a spatula and told me to get out of the kitchen.

Amazon’s membership program for prenatal to toddler products is called Amazon Mom. It’s not called Amazon Parent, there isn’t a companion program for dads, and I’ve given Amazon zero reasons to think I’m a woman (I checked my order history). I had heard that Amazon had a diaper-buying service that was the “Amazon Prime of diaper buying” and I can’t resist buying things and having them shipped to me rapidly. But I’m not a mom and the rules are super clear.

Initially, I was thrilled! “Hey Julia, guess who LEGALLY can’t do diapers?!”

But then I felt sexism. And it really stings! Is that what this is? The feeling of being left out and confused, like, how could a charitable (Amazon Smile donates 0.5% of eligible purchases to charity) and creative (drones, lol) company be so insensitive and ignorant? It’s hard enough to reject traditional gender roles without your favorite delivery service calling you a sissy lady:

Can A Cool Dad Be An Amazon Mom?
So when I’m operating on no hours of sleep and I’m up to my elbows in weird baby poo and I reach over for a fresh diaper and, much to my horror, there are no diapers and I yell to my Amazon Fire phone (again, lol), “Need diapers STAT! Send your fastest drone!”, Jeff Bezos is going to reply, “Ha! Nice try, DAD. Should I throw in an apron too, Marilyn? Try not to get any shit on your poodle skirt. I hope your casserole turns out ok. Give your husband a kiss for me.” Jeff Bezos is always such a jerk in our imaginary arguments.

Unless Don Draper is running the Marketing and Branding Department at Amazon, this has to be a clever joke that turns the, like, neutron-star-heavy levels of sexism associated with the term Amazon Mom into some kind of irony that the Hubble Space Telescope hasn’t detected yet.

I’ll give the guys (come on, like they’re not) behind Amazon Mom the benefit of the doubt and assume that they’re just 100 years old AND jerks. But even stupidity should never be half-assed; it needs to be full-assed. So I thought I’d help by launching a companion program called Amazon Dad and keep the “asinine stereotype approach” rolling.
Amazon Dad, a companion program to Amazon Mom that reinforces traditional gender roles

It’s like BirchBox for husbands who want to carve the largest possible canyon between their parental responsibilities and the happiness of their spouse. So once a month, fathers will get a delivery crammed full of featured products that scream, “I’m a #cooldad, but I’m also one Coors Light away from being the most rejected person on Tinder.” There’s no point in allowing a mom to change all of the diapers if the dad doesn’t use that free time to buy things which cultivate a special resentment that will be the foundation of their infant’s future relationship issues.

The commercial on ESPN Radio almost writes itself: “We subscribe to offensive theoretical constructs involving a set of laughably outdated social norms. You subscribe to … Amazon Dad.” If your adult (and NON-coed) softball team doesn’t think you’re the most “Amazon Dad” at the bar, then clearly you don’t have a sweatpants provider who specializes in misogynist rage. Ironically, Amazon is tempted to hate that word just because it has “gyn” in it.

Let’s not live in that world. Here are three steps to avoid a remarkable social regression:

Well, first, I need to find a way to clear my Amazon search history because Ashton Kutcher just bought the rights to my “Related to Items You’ve Viewed” list and now it has its own laugh track.

Second, sign this petition. I wish I could say I was “FIRST!!!!111 trollololol” but thousands of other manly Mr. Moms also hate this product’s guts and want to change (dot org) it. My favorite Amazonian Mom Warrior is this guy from BloggerFather.com. He told Amazon Mom that he was a dad and Jeff Bezos sent him this apology:

Amazon Mom's apology to a dad

That’s amazing. I’m almost jealous because I’ve never been burned that bad and I wonder what it feels like. But much to Amazon’s delight, I’d be even more bummed out if I received this as a mother. Thanks again, Jeff Bezos, for reminding me that an audiobook is the perfect companion to my anxiety about not having Gisele’s post-baby body!

Third, use Google Express. It’s faster and costs exactly the same as Prime. So if you really need a diaper and it’s a serious baby bottom emergency, you’ll prefer the same-day delivery as opposed to the two-day eternity of Prime. Disclaimer: I am a Google employee so my opinion is biased dogshit but our drones are far superior.

Fourth, Jeff Bezos…

Fix It


  1. Thank you for this! I was raised by my father, and I've always been frustrated and annoyed by children's products that are marketed to mothers: "Kid Tested, Mother Approved" or "Choosy moms choose Jif!" 'Cause clearly, dads don't give a shit about what their kids eat.

    Sounds like you're going to be a great (and very funny!) dad.

    1. Thanks! The phrase "choosy moms" give me rage chills. I hope my ranting translates into solid parenting skills!

  2. Nick I kinda think you've already got this dad thing I the bag. Your hilarious once again almost peed my pants. And honestly, we use diapers.com �� love you guys!

    1. Thanks Holly! I'll make sure to add a disclaimer at the top that instructs readers to put on their adult diapers before reading my post.